Let's go back to who we were before shame

When I was a little girl, my mom recorded me singing on a cassette tape and I heard that tape for the 2nd time a few days ago. The first time I heard it I was so angry. I remember asking my mom, ”why didn’t you guys notice my talent when I was younger?” “Why didn’t you guys encourage me to sing more?” I asked those questions years ago. It’s clear to me that I had not done any healing work because I was placing myself as the victim. But this time around, as I listened to my younger self sing, I felt so much joy, I felt proud of her and I felt a strong connection to her love for singing. When I was little, I wasn’t singing for approval or acceptance or anything like that. I was singing like the birds, unaware of the audience, from a place of natural joy and fun. Instead of questioning my parents, I thanked them for introducing me to music and songs. I thanked my mom for recording me, singing with me and creating that priceless memory. I thanked my dad for playing the piano for me as I sang along. As I continue healing, I am removing myself from the victim chair in every situation, past or present, because I’ve learned that everything that has ever happened to me was for my benefit. It happened FOR me. After listening to that tape, I thought, “why did I stop singing for so many years?” “When did I become shy and quiet?” “Why was I reserved for so many years of my life?” “What happened to that vibrant little girl?” This time, I was asking myself the questions, taking responsibility and owning my story, instead of blaming my parents. Blame never leads to healing or wholeness. When we blame we are actually giving our power away. Everyone is doing the best that they can at their own level of healing and awareness, therefore, who's really at fault? We can only take ownership of our part in every story. So I asked, "How did I lose myself?" "How did I get so far from that electric little girl who sang her heart out?" "When did singing become something scary instead of something fun?" The answer to all of those questions rushed to my mind. One word: shame. When did I first experience shame? How do I go all the way back to who I was before shame? 

Shame falls on us, little by little, like the snow falls in the winter time and it layers us slowly unless we intentionally shake it off. When we come into this world, we are completely shameless, we cry in public, we dance off beat and we sing our little hearts out, regardless of who’s watching. We do not know shame when we’re young. Then, as we grow older, life begins to introduce us to shame. Some of us experience it through our teachers, parents, family members or school. Small moments that cause our human dignity to be shaken, moments where our faces change color from embarrassment or humiliation. There is a healthy level of shame that we all carry internally. For example: When we run a red light, we look around and feel shame for running the light instead of stopping. That healthy level of shame helps us take more precaution on the road. BUT there is a toxic level of shame that is often imposed upon us by outside sources. This is the kind of shame that makes us self conscious and leads us to have negative core beliefs towards our self. Shame normally leads to change. Like, if we offend someone unintentionally, we feel shame and we change the way in which we speak to them going forward. That’s the healthy level of shame. 

BUT the same things happens with toxic shame. If someone makes fun of our clothes when we’re little, that would lead is to change the way we dress. In my case, I experienced a few moments of shame in regards to my singing and performing. So I changed my way of singing and performing. How did it change? I just stopped doing it. I didn’t sing publicly until I was 16 years old. I locked my voice away, in shame and I lost touch with that little girl that once sang like the birds. I’ve been on my journey, back to that place of freedom, before the cloud of shame rained in my heart and washed my songs away. I am getting closer to her everyday and it is bringing me the most joy. Let’s go back to who we were before shame. I’ve been doing that by journaling every day. I’ve been asking myself questions and sitting in silence, as the answers rise from the deepest ocean's of my mind to the sandy shore's of my awareness. (Be still and know) I’ve been more conscious of my reactions because, in most cases, my reactions have revealed the parts of my inner child that are still covered in shame. Those reactions get my attention. 

Think about the first time you experienced shame. Think about all of the times that someone or something belittled or disrespected your light. Go back to those moments, redefine them and take your power back. Remove yourself from the victim seat and take responsibility for your healing. Find the lesson in those memories. There is always a lesson. That is how you go back to wholeness. One day at a time. And one last thing: As I listened to my little self sing on that tape, I realized that my love for singing is what melted all of those layers that shame covered me up with. My love for the arts is what continues to melt all of those layers. Love is greater than shame. God made us complete and full of love. Let’s allow that love to rise from within us. The more we heal, the more experiences that we redefine, the more we take our power back, the more love will rise and the less shame we will feel. Then we’ll be like those children who dance in public places and we'll express our God given joy without an ounce of reservation. I am grateful for this journey. Let’s go back home.