I’m realizing that when you really love something it works, whatever it is. But if you have any fear in your movements it will not work, whatever it is. It could be a dream or a desire or a goal.
I’m realizing that my past experiences have been influencing me. I was a sensitive kid and I’m realizing that I was negatively impacted by many things that led me to move in fear instead of love. As a child, you move in love, in freedom, without giving it a second thought because love is our nature but as you grow and experience more of life, you tend to become more self conscious about how you move. Less love, more protection. Protection of the ego, of looking stupid or silly.
Last week, I did an exercise where I had to write down, in detail, all of the events that had a negative impact on my life no matter how minor or inoffensive my adult self thought it was. As I wrote down these events in detail, I cried like baby. I realized why certain things in my current reality are not working even though I want them to work, even though I work hard for them to work and pray for them to work.
I’m realizing that nothing great works unless the engine is being powered by a pure and great love. Just like a car cannot run with water, your deepest desires and God given dreams cannot run with fear.
My childhood self has been holding onto things. I didn’t realize I was holding onto anything but I’m realizing that I actually never intentionally let those things go. I didn’t give these events much thought until I was instructed to do this assignment where I had to spend time thinking about the past. It’s true that the past controls there future so we must make peace with the past, untangle it, mourn it and heal from it.
I had many experiences as a child where I felt discouraged to sing and now I find myself singing from a place of fear instead of love. I used to sing like the birds. They sing without thinking, they sing without expectations, they sing simply because that is what they do. I haven’t sang that way in a long time. My love has been tainted by some fear and I am beginning to let it go now.
I’ve definitely got some questions: Why has it taken me this long to let this things go? Why did those events impact my childhood self THAT much? Why was I so sensitive?
I may not have the answers to everything but what I do know is that I can heal from the past and let it go so it no longer controls me.
The only way to let it go and is to be aware of the different ways it controls me in the present. So, whenever I see myself or feel myself or catch myself singing with anything other than the freedom of the birds, I will stop and breathe. I will remind myself that I am no longer in the same situations that I was in as a child. I will speak out loud to my childhood self and explain why she no longer has to be afraid. There are many reasons why and my favorite reason is that fear was never part of my original design because I remember a time before it entered my life.
Are there some things from your childhood that you’ve yet to let go of?
Are there some things that impacted you way more than you thought?
What are some dreams of yours that aren’t working?
What are some areas in your life that have yet to bloom?
Have you ever taken the time time to look back in detail?
I’m realizing how deeply intertwined everything is and I am untangling all of it so I can understand it, be aware if it and move forward with my life. So I can become all of who God created me to be.
Healing is such a wild ride.
I encourage you to continue your healing journey. It is uncomfortable, it requires much courage to face our truth but as long as we are alive it is our responsibility to heal and offer our healed selves to the world in service and in love.
One day at a time my friends.
We got this.
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