Learning To Live With Grief

We’re living in an imperfect world and we all experience grief in one way or another. We lose family members, we witness tragedies, we go through trauma, people we love become ill, etc. All of these experiences cause grief. 

Grief is deep sorrow, usually due to a loss or a drastic change. 

I am currently experiencing the illness of my father and it’s been challenging for me to process that but I’m learning and I want to share what I have been learning with you guys. 

Witnessing your parent go through a debilitating illness is heartbreaking. When my father first became ill, I did not stop to process what was happening to him and to our family. I just did what needed to be done. I helped him in the ways I could. By driving him to appointments, encouraging him enthusiastically and laughing with him as if nothing had changed. I was kind of in denial. I did that for the entire first year that he began to drastically debilitate which was last year in 2020 but this year I had to stop and process what had happened. 

This year, I had to take a lot of time to myself to figure out how to live with this grief on my heart. I still did what I was capable of doing to continue helping but I took time away from the environment as much as I could. 

Taking the time to be alone, in silence, is vital for being able to process what we’re feeling. It’s easier to distract ourselves from our feelings but that distraction doesn’t move us forward. As long as we distract ourselves, we remain in the same place and the grief remains untouched, waiting for us when we get back. 

The thought of sitting, fully present and aware of the moment, terrified me because I’m not a big fan of pain. Who is? But I’m learning that, not facing the pain always brings us to a destructive outcome. We destroy ourselves when we try to avoid pain. And the thing is, this world is imperfect and chaotic. Let’s be honest. There are many magical things about this planet, I’m not trying to be a pessimist here guys but there’s also so much injustice, evil and loss. Therefore, grief is inevitable. 

Earlier this week I heard of another police office shooting of a young black and beautiful 16 year old girl. She called the police for help because some older women wanted to fight her, she had a knife in her hands and instead of de-escalating the situation, the police shot her 3 times. That’s an indescribable pain for an entire family. That’s the unnecessary loss of a young vibrant life. Her name was Makhia Bryant. 

As a society, watching the news, we can numb ourselves, sigh and say, “Gosh that’s terrible” and move right along with our day but right now there is a family grieving. Many families grieve all over the world for different reasons. This is an unfortunate part of living in a broken world. 

So, how do we learn to live with grief? Since we cannot completely get rid of all of the brokenness in this world, how can we develop a healthy relationship with grief? Not that we must expect horrible things to happen but when they do happen, how do we live with it? 

• We must be present. Aware of the now, of this moment, right here. This is the only way we can digest the reality and process our feelings towards that reality. 

• There are always two truths. The one that you see and the one that you create. They coexist. For example: I heard a story earlier this year of a mother who lost her son due to gun violence. She was in utter pain, grieving her baby boy and processing that reality. That’s truth #1: A mother lost her son tragically. But then a while later, she begins a powerful movement with a few hundred other mother’s who have lost their children in the same manner and they are currently working on getting some laws implemented so other mother’s do not have to experience the same pain. That’s truth #2. We do not have to begin a movement like she did but my point is that, eventually, after taking the time that we need to process our feelings, we can transform grief into action in one way or another. 

 Truth #1 - The event that causes us grief 

 Truth #2 - What we choose to do with the grief after we take the time to process it for ourselves 

• Grief isn’t something you pass and never have to see again like an exam. Years can pass and the feeling may not be as fresh but that ache in your heart is still there. Some days, something may remind you of someone that has passed and in that moment, the pain may feel fresh and you might weep as if it has just occurred. Grief looks different on everyone but we must all confront it or it will slowly take all of our energy. We confront grief by being honest to ourselves about our feelings. 

      

My feelings towards what I’m seeing my father go through are feelings of sadness and fear. After I can admit that to myself, I can choose how I am going to respond to my feelings. I can respond to my feelings by giving up on life or I can respond by asking, “what do I have control over in this situation?” 

I can’t heal him. I can’t take his place. I can’t erase this from his life but I can love him. I can honor his life by living my life in a way that he isn’t able to live his life right now. I can send him positive energy. I can pray for him. I can help him in the ways I am capable of helping him. 

  

       

The key for learning to live with grief is choosing how we are going to respond to all of the emotions that follow. I’m angry when injustice occurs but what will I do with that anger? What action will I take after I take the time to be honest with myself, in great detail, about how I feel? How can I turn this pain into something beneficial for the world around me? 

It doesn’t happen all at once. 

It took me over a year to get to the point where I could be honest with myself in regards to how much this situation has impacted my family and I. So, if you’re currently going through grief, you are not alone in feeling that way. I encourage you to take time away from your phone, social media, any and all distractions, so you can sit alone with your heart. Pour your heart out on paper, in prayer, in conversation with a trusted loved one and release that which you have been afraid to feel. 

Feelings are thunderous but do not be afraid of them, pour it out and take your time. Do not rush yourself. You’re the only one who knows how much time you need. There’s no shame in feeling. There’s no shame in taking your time. 

After you process your feelings, I just want you to know that you are capable of choosing how you’re going to respond to those feelings, in your own time. This is how we live with grief. 

Awareness, confronting the truth, processing our emotions and choosing how we’re going to respond to our emotions by figuring out what is it that we can control in the situation and letting go of what we cannot control by leaving it to God.  

One day at a time my friends.