It's ok to have regrets about the past.

Hi Blooming Season Family, how are you guys doing? 

I hope you’re doing good. 

I’m doing better these days. I’ve been uncovering a lot of things that I hadn’t realized that I was suppressing. 

It’s so wild to me that we are constantly discovering more and more about ourselves.

Humans are ocean deep beings and it’s like we spend our whole lives swimming and finding things. 

What have you found recently? 

I found loads of anger recently and a gigantically terrifying pile of self doubt. 

Let’s get into the anger first, shall we? 

When was this anger dropped into the ocean? 

How did it get so far down? Where did it come from? 

My childhood.

I was a strange kid. 

I suppressed my feelings and my personality as a kid. 

I had moments where I expressed myself but for the most part, I withheld from being myself. 

Why? 

I thought being shy and quiet was how I was supposed to behave. 

Did my parents tell me that? 

No. 

Did I make that assumption? 

Yes. 

Even as children we lie to ourselves and believe it. 

So, my childhood self felt angry. 

The root of anger is fear.  

What was I afraid of? 

I was afraid of being myself. 

What is being yourself? 

Being yourself is having a thought and saying it. 

Being yourself is having a song in your head and singing it

or a having a dance in your body and dancing it out  

or having an emotion and expressing it. 

i didn’t really do that. 

As a kid, I spent a lot of my time playing pretend in the bathroom in front of the mirror. 

THAT’S where I would be myself. 

Only there. 

Only 

in 

the 

bathroom.

I would dance and play pretend. 

Now as an adult, I realized that I had been living in my head for a long time, instead of living in the present. 

Thinking of a dance instead of doing it. 

Thinking of something hilarious instead of saying it. 

Thinking of a dream instead of pursuing it whole heartily. 

Withholding who you are makes you an angry/bitter person. 

Expressing who you are is vulnerable and terrifying. 

The more I enter into that space of vulnerability, the more I am reminded that, it IS supposed to be terrifying. That’s the whole point! 

That’s what makes being alive, worth it. 

The pain of withholding who I am became greater than the fear of expressing who I am so I’ve been dancing more, singing more, writing more and saying, “yes” more. 

As I begin to taste the freedom of vulnerability, I’ve been coming in contact with my angry childhood self and she’s been saying, “I wish I knew how to do this when I was little. Why couldn’t I do this when I was younger? Your life would’ve been so different now if only you had been braver back then.” 

A lot of people say that you shouldn’t have regrets but I disagree. 

I’ve got tons of regrets. 

I’ll tell you one giant regret that I have: 

I regret not going after my dream when I was younger. I suppressed my dream out of fear and I regret that. 

Now what? 

I can learn from that. 

The pain that I feel from having that regret is one of my greatest professors and I’m learning a lot. 

The lessons I’m learning, are lessons that I am trying my hardest to apply to my present so I don’t end up regretting my future. 

So, it’s okay to have regrets about the past. As long as you learn from it instead of torture yourself with it. 

It’s okay to be angry. As long as you learn from that anger instead of allowing it to destroy your health.  

Our feelings exist as guides and professors. 

I’ll dive into the mountain of self doubt next week. 

I’m still processing it. 

Healing is a process. 

Thank you for being a part of my process. 

I hope that reading about some of my process helps you with your own. 

Do you have any regrets? 

Are you angry about something from your childhood? 

Have you learned anything from that? Are you applying what you’ve learned? 

We’re all in this thing together. 

Every single one of us have SOMETHING to heal or work through or uncover. 

This is part of the human experience. 

Let’s take it one day at a time.